I've been painting a lot lately. I love/hate it. I work alone, in silence, with only my thoughts keeping me company for hours at a time. It's an activity I do to meditate and try to figure things out. The funny thing is, after finishing a job, if I haven't concluded something I've been pondering, more painting jobs pop up until I get closure.
The universe is truly mysterious.
I've been forced into having to face a couple of demons lately, and I was reminded of this Buddhist story.
Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling. Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.
“Come on, girl” said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.
Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. He was fuming. Then he no longer could restrain himself. “We monks don’t go near females,” he told Tanzan, “especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?”
“I left the girl there,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”
I am exhausted. Those things rent so much space in my head and I have no more room for anything else. From the Tao Te Ching:
A clay bowl is molded;
But the use of the bowl.
Will depend on the part.
Of the bowl that is void.
I need to clean out the barn and let that stuff go. I am the only one hanging on to it anyway.
I know that I will never have closure on those things, that relationship, those events. I have no idea why any of it happened, and I probably never will. I doubt that the offender even knows why they did it...
Sure, I was wronged. I was beat up. I have a couple of nice scars from it all. A permanent physical record to remind me of it. There won't be any apologies though. I know that.
Life keeps presenting the same lesson to you until you finally learn it. I am done taking in strays, and I am absolutely done with alcoholics. Never again. They are emotional sponges who will bleed you dry if you let them.
I am closing this door to allow other doors to open.